Have you tried driving a car as absolutely fast as it will go? On the road, I mean? No, me neither. At least, not since I was stupid years old.

The trouble is that cars go so incredibly fast, so if you try it, a bystander – ideally before you’ve had the accident and preferably not in a uniform that necessitates you reply with ‘officer’ – will point at you and tell you that this isn’t a race track.

Which, of course, it isn’t. The good news is that race tracks do exist and, if you wish, you can take your car to one.

They’re a much better place to exploit the handling and performance of cars, because there’s nobody coming the other way. And, given that you’re no longer driving fast on the road, you would think this would be a solution that suits everyone, wouldn’t you?

This being life, it doesn’t. You’re not haring past somebody’s front door any more, which is terrific, but, on a race track, there is a slight chance you will be haring relatively near somebody’s back garden. And if there’s one thing people don’t like, it’s being made aware that other people are having fun when they’re not. It seems there’s nothing people dislike quite as much as hearing other people enjoying themselves. Yes, even if they willingly bought a house near to a race track in the first place, thereby increasing their chances of this awful FOMO.

I understand that noise can be irritating. A gliding club local to my house recently got kicked off the airfield it used and, in place of basically silent objects in the sky, there’s now the more frequent engine noise while Baron von Oxfordshire attempts a motorised triple salchow. I notice this more than I do the gliders but, for one, I quite like planes and, for two, if it were going to bother me, I probably shouldn’t have bought a house three miles from an airfield. I would feel much the same about a race track.

2 Track race