Now that Fernando Alonso has decided to go elsewhere (quiet in the two-and-nines please), here are a few suggestions as to who might be good as Lewis Hamilton’s team mate at McLaren next year.

1. Katherine Legge.

Pros; the first female in F1 for years, she’s quick-ish, she’d lend the (small) McLaren garage a welcome extra dose of glamour, and Kimi Raikonnen would almost certainly be distracted if a sort was driving one of the McLarens.

Cons; there might not be room for Catherine’s make-up bag in the (small) McLaren garage, and although she’s quick, she’s not THAT quick.

 

2. Nigella Lawson.

Pros; the food in the McLaren motorhome woud be really scrummy and tasty, once again it would be good to see a woman in F1.

Cons; Lewis’ 10inch wastline might suffer, Nigella may struggle to squeeze herself into the cockpit of the MP28, McLaren could become something of a one-man-band when it comes to performance on race weekends (no change there then, eh Fernando?)

3. Bruno Senna/Nelson Piquet Jnr.

Pros; both are quick, both are Brazilian, both have very cool names.

Cons; aren’t there enough Brazilians already in F1?

4. Chief Constable Mereydd Hughes.

Pros; quite clearly a very rapid driver, would never get caught up in traffic jams on the way to and from circuits, uniform would add a welcome dash of authority to the (small) McLaren garage.

 

Cons; are you allowed to hold a Super-licence if your road driving licence has been removed? I think not, sorry about that Mezza.

5. James May.

Pros; would bring much needed slice of humour to the (small) McLaren garage, would also mark a welcome return of big hair to the F1 paddock.

 

Cons; might not be the most effective team mate to Lewis when it comes to raw pace.

 

6. Chris Harris.

Pros; people would automatically assume that Juan Pablo Montoya had made a return to F1, imagine the cred it would lend Autocar having a current F1 driver on its staff, very rapid so long as the engine is in the back of the car (McLaren could easily modify the M28 to make it rear-engined to suit Monkey’s driving style).

 

Cons; we would never, ever, hear the end of it.

7. Gary Paffett.

Pros; he’s English, he’s a top lad, he’s very very fast indeed, he’d be the first ever Gary in F1.

 

Cons; not sure the christian name squares up besides the likes of Kimi, Jenson, Lewis and Giancarlo.

8. Michael Schumacher. Well, why not?

And finally, 9: Heiki Kovalainen. Because this man’s already got the job.

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