Now that Fernando Alonso has decided to go elsewhere (quiet in the two-and-nines please), here are a few suggestions as to who might be good as Lewis Hamilton’s team mate at McLaren next year.
Pros; the first female in F1 for years, she’s quick-ish, she’d lend the (small) McLaren garage a welcome extra dose of glamour, and Kimi Raikonnen would almost certainly be distracted if a sort was driving one of the McLarens.
Cons; there might not be room for Catherine’s make-up bag in the (small) McLaren garage, and although she’s quick, she’s not THAT quick.
2. Nigella Lawson.
Pros; the food in the McLaren motorhome woud be really scrummy and tasty, once again it would be good to see a woman in F1.
Cons; Lewis’ 10inch wastline might suffer, Nigella may struggle to squeeze herself into the cockpit of the MP28, McLaren could become something of a one-man-band when it comes to performance on race weekends (no change there then, eh Fernando?)
Pros; both are quick, both are Brazilian, both have very cool names.
Cons; aren’t there enough Brazilians already in F1?
4. Chief Constable Mereydd Hughes.
Pros; quite clearly a very rapid driver, would never get caught up in traffic jams on the way to and from circuits, uniform would add a welcome dash of authority to the (small) McLaren garage.
Cons; are you allowed to hold a Super-licence if your road driving licence has been removed? I think not, sorry about that Mezza.
Pros; would bring much needed slice of humour to the (small) McLaren garage, would also mark a welcome return of big hair to the F1 paddock.
Cons; might not be the most effective team mate to Lewis when it comes to raw pace.
6. Chris Harris.
Pros; people would automatically assume that Juan Pablo Montoya had made a return to F1, imagine the cred it would lend Autocar having a current F1 driver on its staff, very rapid so long as the engine is in the back of the car (McLaren could easily modify the M28 to make it rear-engined to suit Monkey’s driving style).
Cons; we would never, ever, hear the end of it.
Pros; he’s English, he’s a top lad, he’s very very fast indeed, he’d be the first ever Gary in F1.
Cons; not sure the christian name squares up besides the likes of Kimi, Jenson, Lewis and Giancarlo.
8. Michael Schumacher. Well, why not?
And finally, 9: Heiki Kovalainen. Because this man’s already got the job.