My name is James, and I shouldn’t be trusted with an old car.

I may have owned a Mini Cooper for over 30 years, but for most of that time it has been off the road gathering dust, invoices and rust bubbles.

Sometimes it was under repair, occasionally being bodged by me. Mostly, though, the Mini wasn’t going anywhere at all. I did, though, make sure that it was always comfortable and dry. The very least I could do was put a blanket over the Cooper while it waited for some spare part to arrive through the post.

Consequently, mileage was not something that my Mini actually accrued over the years. I should have worked it out along with just how much it cost to mostly stand still. The resulting calculation wouldn’t be very pretty. It won’t make me look very normal, though, because running a classic car isn’t a very sensible thing to do.

For every Porsche 911 SC owner who takes it on an epic road trip, on the race track to dice with other period racers or compete in a concours competition, there are thousands like me who just muck about pointlessly with their classic cars for years on end. That’s until it rusts to bits, becomes the subject of divorce proceedings, or takes root in the garden. That’s right: we achieve nothing, enjoy very little and drive no more than a few yards, if we are lucky. A classic car is something to waste money on and generally fret about.