1. Stick Sebastian Vettel in the Toro Rosso in China as penance for his naughty behaviour, and give Daniel Ricciardo a run in the big car next to Webber. That way Vettel would get to realise the error of his ways, Red Bull could take a good look at Ricciardo and see if he’s good enough to replace Webber next year, and Toro Rosso could hang out with their old driver for a few days and gauge how good a job – or otherwise – their current pedallers are doing.
Probability rating: 2 (out of 10). Entertainment factor: 7. Might it happen? Not a chance.
2. Employ celebrity hypnotist Paul McKenna to eradicate the incident completely from the minds of Vettel and Webber, then let them carry on totally unaware that anything untowards has happened for the rest of the season. This would provide us viewers with the most extravagant Truman Show on wheels spectacle the world has ever seen, but it would also enable Red Bull to get its house in order – again – and get some concrete team orders in place. We could all then wait to see if Sebastian Vettel really is as disobedient as he appears.
Probability rating: zero. Entertainment factor: 10. Might it happen? Worth a try in this day and age, surely?
3. Have stern words with them both behind closed doors, pointing out what’s what regards the team being bigger than the drivers, then quietly suggest to Vettel that he subtly give the next race back to Webber, no questions asked. And for the rest of the season make them both aware that, as far as the championship is concerned, it is, as they said in Vietnam, SNAFU (Google it and stand well back).
Probability rating: 8. Entertainment factor: 5. Might it happen? It’s the only way forwards.
4. Fit both cars with mattresses front and rear (which could be festooned with Red Bull branding, of course) and hope for the best. The performance of the cars would be compromised somewhat by their new (un)aerodynamic additions, true, but they’re so much quicker than the rest of them anyway that it probably wouldn’t make much difference overall.
Probability rating: zero. Entertainment factor: 9. Might it happen? Unlikely all things considered, but then you never can tell in F1.
So then, are there any other ways – feasible or otherwise – in which you’d like to solve the riddle that is the Red Bull F1 team?