A very close relative got ‘done’ recently for speeding when travelling at 36mph in a 30mph zone. He wasn’t going past a school at chucking out time, but proceeding downwardly from a derestricted hill into a rural 30mph area, where the only living thing he could bother was a sheep. Yes, he was in sunny Flintshire in Wales. He was given the option of going to speeders’ school in lieu of points, but there was a catch. He lives in Essex and he could only attend a course in Welsh Wales. Genius.

So, as part of his rehabilitation, I am proposing that he part-exchange his diesel Jag S-Type for something considerably slower. First thoughts are that he gets an ancient Series Land Rover, which is slow and suitably raised from the road so that you can see the ‘safety van’ behind the hedge. Indeed, loads of bread and butter classics with wheezy side valve engines would certainly do. Ford Pop anyone?

Despite the speed which professionals manage to get commercial vehicles to reach on the motorway, a civilian in an adapted van can become something of a slug, hence the Fiat Doblo, which I believe was the slowest thing on the road ever in diesel or even petrol form. It took 20.9 seconds to get anywhere near 60mph.

Maybe he should just make sure that whatever comes next has a towbar, so that he can simply hitch a caravan when he goes anywhere near Wales.

I’ll forward any constructive, deconstructive or plain stupid suggestions his way.