Why do fingernails grow faster than toenails?

Is there anything less likely to make one want to park and ride than a Park and Ride service? At various points last year, these questions, among others, I’d written into a notelet on my phone, from where I intended to deftly weave them into this weekly column nonsense.

Alas, they will go unanswered, despite 51 chances to sort them in 2017. Yes, it’s a new year so I have decided to eliminate many never-to-be-used ideas on my telephone by having a small purge. Because, desperate for ideas as a deadline approaches though I often am, somThe e things are not fit to run to 570 words.

Why will nobody overtake a police car on the motorway, for example? Because they don’t want three points but are too dim to realise they won’t get them. See? Solved in 16 words.

Why was Walkers trying to emotionally blackmail me into buying salt and vinegar crisps with its infernal ‘choose me or lose me’ campaign? Why, Gary? And what the hell could it have had to do with cars? I don’t know, and perhaps something about engaging with a customer. I neither want to engage with somebody about crisps nor receive a receipt via email for something trivial like a 13mm socket. “No, of course we don’t want to send you things.” Yes, you do! Just leave me, my socket set, and smoky bacon crisps alone, Halfords, and Gary, okay? Just leave me be. Life’s hard enough already.