Why do fingernails grow faster than toenails?
Is there anything less likely to make one want to park and ride than a Park and Ride service? At various points last year, these questions, among others, I’d written into a notelet on my phone, from where I intended to deftly weave them into this weekly column nonsense.
Alas, they will go unanswered, despite 51 chances to sort them in 2017. Yes, it’s a new year so I have decided to eliminate many never-to-be-used ideas on my telephone by having a small purge. Because, desperate for ideas as a deadline approaches though I often am, somThe e things are not fit to run to 570 words.
Why will nobody overtake a police car on the motorway, for example? Because they don’t want three points but are too dim to realise they won’t get them. See? Solved in 16 words.
Why was Walkers trying to emotionally blackmail me into buying salt and vinegar crisps with its infernal ‘choose me or lose me’ campaign? Why, Gary? And what the hell could it have had to do with cars? I don’t know, and perhaps something about engaging with a customer. I neither want to engage with somebody about crisps nor receive a receipt via email for something trivial like a 13mm socket. “No, of course we don’t want to send you things.” Yes, you do! Just leave me, my socket set, and smoky bacon crisps alone, Halfords, and Gary, okay? Just leave me be. Life’s hard enough already.
Suzuki has apologised for releasing helium balloons at an event after they landed on some wildlife or something and has vowed it’ll never do it again. Actually, I’m genuinely pleased about this. There should probably be a law against it anyway; ditto for sky lanterns, which I also despise. Perhaps there already is. It’s littering, isn’t it?
Why is four-wheel steering now so prevalent, after spending so many years acting like a 3D film – promising to be world-changing, but actually disappointing to the point of discomfort? Will it get traction this time? Is this a listicle? I do hope not.
Wouldn’t sprint cars be great with hybrid engines, what with all that frequent acceleration and deceleration? I can’t remember whose idea that was. It wasn’t mine and the short answer is that I don’t know. I’m not sure anybody watching cares. It’s motorsport, after all, and all I care about is the speed and thrill. Anyway, consider it forgotten.
I think a Lamborghini Huracán is so antisocially loud that I feel genuine guilt using full throttle and fear I’ll be shouted at when I next stop. Is it me who is changing, or is it public attitudes to fast cars? I’m not sure I want to know the answer either way.
Then there are some things, of course, that are too big to fit into a single page. President Trump has changed the Environmental Protection Agency’s remit, to focus on air and water quality rather than climate change and, criticise it though we might, aren’t we doing the same by trying to push people out of diesels? Still, as it gets warm, at least it’ll be clean.
Anyway, that’s it. Notebook clearer, here's to 2018.