In a frighteningly all-too-real press release issued last week, Lotus revealed that it has signed rapper Swizz Beatz as its new Vice President of Creative Design and Global Marketing. Below is the not-at-all-real follow up…

Following on from the appointment this week of Mr Swizz Beatz as VP of Creative Design and Global Marketing – Lotus now looks set to ‘batter’ the world of cars still further with an all-new machine known internally as the Fur-Q.

Powered by a ‘steamed’ V8 and riding on fur-ee-toooo inch wheels with spinners and Toeally phat tyres, the Fur Q could, claim our sources, be the ultimate rocket from Norfolk. (Dope.)

Hethel’s usually quiet and reserved engineers were, by all accounts, encouraged to ‘stroke the elephant’ when designing the Fur-Q’s underpinnings. Chassis guru Matthew Becker told bosses that he was ‘really chuffed’ with the way the prototype car steers, rides and handles – but unfortunately they couldn’t understand a word he was saying. The only handling that they’re concerned about, an insider claims, is of goods that haven’t necessarily paid for up front, naa-imean. (Flava.)

As yet, Lotus hasn’t unveiled a name for its new supercar, but rumour has it that head of global everystuff Mr Beatz is ‘positive’ about the project as a whole. ‘My vibe is special on this’ he said in a low, quiet, slightly unconcerned yet cringingly sincere voice. (Mash.)

‘When I worked with Bono and shared the helicopter Grammy with Jay Z and Alicia last year, I had the same feeling’ he declared. ‘This car is going to explode’ he said. ‘And I’m the detonator.’ (Figjam).

Meanwhile, CEO of Lotus Cars Dany Bahar is reported to have spoken with the Chapman estate about having the letter ‘t’ removed from the word Lotus, and replacing the ‘s’ in Cars with a ‘z’. (Caketrump).

‘I sat down with Beatz and we just decided, right there, that the T ain needed no more. I mean Lo-us Carz sounds so much more zeitgeist’ said DB, before dropping to his knees and thanking the Lord in heaven above – for a reason that wasn’t made clear. (Potnoodlez).