Officially I have five cars - well three that actually work, discounting one on SORN and another in bits. Now, however, I have three cars because in as many weeks I’ve had to change the wheel on all three - see attached picture of the latest offending flat.

The thing is you need to know how many cars you have because the 2011 Census is going to ask you this vital question. The Government wants to know how many cars or vans are available for use by the members of the household, including company vehicles.

I might decide not to tell them because surely they can cross-reference me on the DVLA computer.

I’m not sure what the Census is for, apart from storing up information for a distant relative in the future to find out just how many cars were on my property back in the 21st Century.

Ultimately, the Government is supposed to respond to the information by building schools, hospitals and presumably roads, where they are needed.

With that in mind it would be amusing to tell some porkies. Like, for example, that there are 25 cars and nine vans available for use by the householders. Of course, it’s a criminal offence to lie on the Census, but really what’s in it for us?

For your information I will be telling the census-monkeys that I live in a large, open plan room with an up and over doorway, and that Bangernomics is my religion.

What will you be telling them?