So driving while using a mobile phone could now earn you jail time - and we're being warned that using a hands-free kit is riskier than having three pints of strong ale before the return journey home.

Sure, I could point out that it seems like only last week that the prisons were so full of miscreants that a mass amnesty of thieves, muggers and robbers was being suggested. And, I could also point out that, once again, HMG's priorities appear to have arse about face.

But I won't. Indeed, I reckon that we should extend seasonal goodwill to our Lords and Masters and acknowledge that this is a brilliant idea - before thinking up a list of other in-car activities that should be banned. Here's are my suggestions.

1) Listening to the radio.

Clearly lethal - the radio distracts drivers from the business of driving and - through announcements about traffic conditions - can actually encourage the anti-social practice of "rat running" or (as it's sometimes known) "not sitting in an enormous jam". Local radio DJs may also cause stress and anger through cheesy banter and ludicrously tangential plugs of sponsored products.

2) Having passengers.

Having anyone else in the car is clearly an unacceptable distraction. Passengers talk, shuffle about and enquire in plaintive voices as to whether or not we're nearly there yet. To encourage driver-only operation of vehicles, maybe we should consider a new series of "Low Occupancy Lanes" - reserved for cars with one (or fewer) people in them.

3) Blinking.

Tricky one this - the typical human being needs to blink between six and thirty times a minute to keep the eyeball lubricated and remove dirt and contaminants. The problem is that each blink takes approximately 400 milliseconds - during which the driver is effectively driving blind. Clearly unacceptable in the current political climate - everybody should be forced to don "Clockwork Orange" style eye-clamps before operating a motor vehicle.

4) Use of the indicators.

Removing even a finger from the steering wheel is clearly reducing your ability to control the vehicle. While there are certain safety benefits to indicating your intention to other road users, these are clearly out-weighted by the risks. Anybody wishing to change lanes on a motorway should fill in a Health & Safety risk assessment at least three weeks beforehand.

5) Changing gear.

As with use of the indicators, changing gears requires the driver to reduce level of attention they pay to road conditions - and to remove a hand from the steering wheel. Obviously completely lethal. Drivers will be given a choice of either buying an automatic or, alternatively, of having their gear selectors welded into third - which should suffice for everything once the mandatory 23 mph national speed limit is imposed.

6) Using a two-way radio while driving at 120 mph.

Well you'd think so, wouldn't you? But no, radio equipment isn't covered by the same restrictions as mobile phones - so if you're a police officer in a high-speed chase you're completely within your rights to keep up a "suspect is travelling north, north, north" style running commentary while driving one-handed at two miles a minute.

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