I know what you're thinking and probably feeling. You're probably thinking why does it have clear front indicator lenses, a rude-boy exhaust tip and a set of fake Alpina alloys?
You're probably feeling like I did as I walked towards the car the morning after buying it - which was precisely the moment I realised it had yellow brake calipers. My excuse? I may have, er, bought it in the dark…
In fact, I'd pretty much broken every rule of used car buying when looking at this one. It was pitch black, cold, raining and I was in a rush. The seller even very kindly rigged up a series of extension cables running from his lounge with a table lamp on the end.
The price was £1000 to begin with, but after some good ol' fashioned "How about this? No? Okay, how about that?" bargaining, I handed over £850. Okay, not quite the £800 in the headline, I grant you. But close enough.
So what have I bought? It's a 1994 E34 six-cylinder 520i with a four-speed ZF auto 'box - which means it isn't necessarily the E34 5 Series to go for. The 525i has better power for similar running costs, while the 540i was actually pretty quick. My budget demanded the sensible approach, though, and at least mine is one of the later 24-valve models.