Who are the worst drivers in Europe?

Answer; Belgians.

Actually, I think they could be the worst drivers in the world. In the universe. In infinity, wherever that is. Certainly they are an awful lot worse at driving, generally speaking, than we are in green and magnificent England – although I did see a bloke on the M1 the other day, trying and failing to pull a jumper over his head while doing 82mph out in lane three.

This is nothing compared to what you see Belgian drivers doing on a regular basis in Belgium nowadays however. I’m not sure when the transformation happened, but all Belgians now seem to drive either Volvo estates, Audi A6s or BMW 5-Series GTs. And they all seem to be texting, phoning or smoking; or turning round and having an argument with the person in the back seat while doing so.

As a result, there are now two ways that you can tell whether the car ahead is being driven by a Belgian or not. One, it will be wandering around all over the road, not indicating when it changes lane, and occasionally firing itself straight across three lanes for no apparent reason. Or it will have a Belgian number plate.

Spot a car with a Belgian number plate that’s being driven sensibly, of course, and the chances are it will be being driven by someone who is not from Belgium but by their friend, who might be from any country in the world, other than Belgium.

What I want to know is, why do the car manufacturers bother building cars for people who can’t drive (ie Belgians)? Why doesn’t everyone in Belgium just save themselves a whole heap of stress, do the right thing (because they love to do the right thing in Belgium) and take the train – thereby leaving Belgium’s tediously flat but wondrously straight and direct road network to the rest us folks who know how to use it properly?

Alternatively, Belgium could start its own car industry and make cars that are designed specifically to appeal to Belgians; ones with mattresses mounted on their front bumpers and huge ashtrays between their front seats? On second thoughts, maybe they should stick to making chocolate, and leave the tricky art of car making – and driving – to everyone else.

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