What the car industry needs right now is a big head like the late Brian Clough to whip it into some sort of shape. It’s a shame that MG Rover aren’t still around for him to take from the depths of League 2 and onto European glory.

I’m not quite sure how far a football metaphor stretches when it comes to cars - probably not very far at all - but I will still have a go. So which underperforming models could be bought by us this weekend and then turned into something more special by Monday morning?

At the risk of being BMWist, you might just get a cheapie MINI One and chip it for Cooper type responses. Still haven’t seen any dirt cheap ones, though, even at supposedly great value car supermarkets.

52084-b-min

On the small side you can get an old Panda, which are now rather less money than they used to be, and funk it up in a 500 sort of way with some silly stripes, alloys and Scorpion stickers. I might have to pretend to be 17 again, but that would probably work.