So to this week's DAFTA awards:

Best noise of the week (potentially); the future electric vehicleElectric cars, such as the Nissan Leaf, are going to have to have silly noises engineered into them at low speeds apparently to make them easier to hear, and therefore safer for pedestrians. Noises under consideration are currently “sounds from Star Wars” and “more conventional automobile noises.” Whatever that may mean.The DAFTA committee would like to go for something a little fruitier to get pedestrians’ attention, however; such as screeching tyres, a 454 V8 letting go at 7200rpm, a quick burst from the chorus of “Our Friends Electric” by Tubeway Army perhaps, some synchromesh being murdered and, our current favourite; the inimitable sound of “pensioner’s clutch-slip” – accompanied by an inadvertent but sustained burst of excruciatingly high revs, plus that similarly distinct smell of “burnt-out-pensioner’s-clutch” to go with it. Or, of course, the legislators could insist that our electric runabouts make entirely dull, entirely electric kinds of sound – similar to that really annoying high pitched beep-beep that lorries make when reversing.All suggestions as to what sort of noises (and/or smells) our leccy motors could produce to keep pedestrians in check in the future will be entirely welcomed by the DAFTA committee – and then put forward to our colleagues in Brussels. Who will inevitably ignore any sign of innovation, but then they can’t stop us laughing (can they? Is that technically possible to achieve as well??).

Read Nissan Leaf from £24,000

Most irritating web contributor of the weekJointly awarded to me, and whoever it was in our web department who managed to dig out a photograph of a fuel gauge that proved my “myth” about the position of fuel filler caps to be entirely and incontrovertibly wrong!

Rub it in by reading and commenting on Steve's blog, Cheeky driving tips; beat this one if you can

Favourite new car name of the week, and possibly the year, or the millennium; Volkswagen Golf GTi ExcessiveApparently the new Golf GTi Excessive not only looks slightly hornier than normal, it also has bigger brakes, wider tracks, even stiffer suspension and a new lightweight exhaust system that helps it produce a bit more noise and power. Which is nice. But it still has a fantastically silly name, and is therefore a fantastically silly idea. Germans eh? You’ve got to love 'em, especially the Austrian ones, and the Schumachers…

Read Volkswagen GTI Excessive revealed

Most stubborn barsteward of the week; Michael SchumacherWhen Schuey was asked during an early press conference in Monaco this week whether felt like trying to apologise for what he did during qualifying at The Principality in 2006 – when he “failed” to negotiate a corner and parked his car on the racing line, thereby preventing Fernando Alonso from beating him to pole – Schumacher replied: “I think you can keep trying, absolutely, but as I said before I am not in 2006 any more.Ah well, that’s alright then Michael. You were a cheating old toerag then but now you’re a really nice chap. Fancy a cup of tea and maybe a game of whist a bit later on?

Read Schuey ducks Monaco controversy

Fastest Porsche of the week; 911 GT2 RSPorsche claims that the new GT2 RS has 620bhp and can lap the Nurburgring in 7min 18sec. Next week it will launch a GT2 RSR which has 650bhp and can lap the Nurburgring in 7min 8sec. And the week after that it will launch the 918 Spyder, which has 710bhp and can lap the Nurburgring in 6min 59sec, and the week after that………………………..zzzzzzzz

Read Porsche 911 GT2 launched

So until the week after that…