I’m writing this in a heightened state of distress. Because half an hour ago I went outside for no apparent reason – other than to take yet another look at the BMW 1M – to discover that someone, somehow, has managed to put a great big dent, right in the middle of the bonnet.

OK, when I say great big I actually mean very tiny, as in titchy. But now that I’ve noticed it I can’t take my eyes off it. In certain lights, and from certain angles, it’s the only thing I can now see in the car. So I’m going to have to get it fixed, ideally sometime within the next eight minutes.

How does this sort of thing happen? How do you end up with a dent, dead-centre on the bonnet, without there being the remotest sign that it was done by a stone or some other detritus encountered while on the move? Because the thing is, no paint has been disturbed, not so much as a micron, which means whatever caused the dent has to have been fairly soft. And yet I don’t remember parking under any trees out of which acorns or other flying dent-makers may have fallen.

My conclusion, though somewhat cynical, is that it must have been caused by a human being; almost certainly a jealous – or at the very least a drunken, or more probable still a drunken AND jealous – human being. In which case, that’s rather sad. But, perhaps, inevitable nowadays I guess.

Whatever the cause, I now urgently need a fix. So if anyone can recommend a decent dent fixer, ideally in the vicinity of Hove down on the south coast, I’m all ears. And until then, I’m all eyes on the other panels of our once perfect 1M.