This week’s DAFTAs are:

(Drum roll please maestro…)

Most inappropriately dressed man of the week; Eddie JordanThe best bit about EJ’s “is he going for full wets or will he swap for intermediates” shirt shambles during the Malaysian GP was when he had such an armpit full of man-water on display, the production team actually made him put a coat on. Poor sod. The next time we saw Eddie, after a break for some racing, he’d been furnished with a more appropriate dark blue BBC chemise, of course, but by then the damage had been done. And dear old DC’s sense of smell has never been quite the same since.

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Spelling mistake of the week; VW Polo is World Car of the YearSincere apologies for the unfortunate spelling mistake that worked its way into our news story about the VW Polo on Wednesday. What we meant to write, of course, was; VW Polo is Worst Car of the Year. Sorry about that. It’ll probably never happen again. Not until the Golf wins it – again – next year.

Read VW Polo is World Car of the Year

Most irritating web contributor of the week; The ColonelThe Colonel appears to have no particular sense of mirth about anything, and, judging from his name, is clearly well aware of his own superiority complex. Worse still, he would seem to actually quite like Australians, which, as any decent, law breaking Brit will tell you, is simply not the way to behave at all.So if you’d be so kind, Colonel, could you put that cane away for the time being. It’s just a bit too big and scary looking for the rest of us to be comfortable with at the moment. Unless, of course, you feel like brandishing it in the direction of Virgin Power, in which case feel free to have a right old swish.

Read The Colonel's thoughts on Australians here

Option mayhem of the week; the new BMW 5-SeriesRumour has it that BMW may be about to exact a last minute redesign of the new 5-Series’ suspension system, having discovered that certain models, if specified with a particular series of options, can randomly develop quite sweet handling and ride characteristics. A BMW spokesman said; “We are 100 per cent confident that none of our new 5-Series models is in any danger whatsoever of handling beautifully. We went to extraordinary lengths during the research and development program to eradicate such issues from the design. If, however, any customers do report experiencing any kind of enjoyment when driving their cars, we will be happy to take a look and, if necessary, replace any suspect components.”BMW GB’s dealers have, by all accounts, been instructed to ignore all knowledge of similar problems on the E39 and E60 models.

Read Autocar's BMW 5-series road test

The worst thing anyone has done to a Jaguar this week – is this…In no less than 50 words, see if you can come up with a happy ending to this week’s saddest car story. Man buys Jaguar XJ220 (chassis number 132) from Jaguar dealer in Dubai. Man drives his shiny new Jag for 900km then dumps it in a building site in Qatar. Man, for some strange reason, then goes AWOL and hasn’t been seen since. Unlike his Jag, which was photographed in this grubby, Middle Eastern building site last week. Please elaborate wherever possible.

Just run that by me one more time, please – of the week; General Motors admits that weight saving is, shock horror, quite importantSometimes car companies hit the skids and you feel sorry for them. And then there is General Motors. This week GM Europe’s El Fromagio Monumentalos, Nick Reilly, admitted – in clear English, it must be noted – that GM hasn’t really been very concerned with weight saving in the past.Don’t fret, though, because from now on everything’s going to be light and dandy at GM because, according to Mr Reilly; “Weight was not a top priority when we were developing the Astra and Insignia, but it is now.”Brilliant. Genius. Carry on.

Car of the week; Alfa Mito CloverleafOnly joking.

Read Autocar' Alfa Romeo Cloverleaf road test

See you next Thursday.

Read James Ruppert's weekend blog: Build me (and you) a better car