Fri
Feb 19 2010

Give a greenie the vapours

James Ruppert
According to my neighbour I now own – and I quote - “the most morally reprehensible line up of vehicles” she has ever seen.

I must stress that we do get on very well, in the way that nice middle class people with different opinions and outlooks on life often do. After all, we do the same dinner party circuit and charity fundraisers – all that sort of thing.



However, when it comes to green issues we do beg to differ.

Obviously I don’t see anything wrong with my current collection of cars, which I am actually rather proud of. However, I do concede that there are some cars in there that could give a greenie some serious vapours.

My challenge to you this week is to come up with the most entertaining green bothering engines you could own. I dunno, an uncatalysed Kia Pride, a two-stroke chainsaw, a T34 Tank and an MOT emissions failure Veyron, spring to mind as examples.

The funniest suggestion will win a copy of my new book, Bangernomics Bible.

A lot of people have asked why I’ve published this. Well, I can reveal that I wrote it in response to public demand, when one person tried to borrow it from their local library and the only copy there had been defaced by an Autocar reader and then used to mop up a tea spill.

So if you want to get your hands on the Bangernomics Bible (do say alongside your submission if you don’t -  I quite understand), then come up with a garage full of inappropriately extravagant conveyances and CO2 belchers.


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About James Ruppert

Used to sell BMWs, but he's no yuppie; has a '64 Mini Cooper in his garage and a '57 BSA Bantam in his house. Has bought and sold hundreds of used cars, and he isn't finished yet.

Comments

beachland2 February 19, 2010 5:05 PM

A Prius electric plug-in car, converted to run on a coal powered steam engine, It tows it's own coal carriage behind it, and comes with coal shoveller bloke who constantly tops up the boiler for you, while whistling.

kcrally February 19, 2010 5:46 PM

toyota corolla 12valve carburettor engine, from the 80's

jackjflash February 19, 2010 6:08 PM

I would have to go with a 1972-1975 Kawasaki H2 Mach IV triple cylinder two stroke with a loud and crackling expansion chamber fitted; the automatic lubrication system cranked up to allow extra oil into the engine to expel copious amounts of blue smoke which would condense into small droplets of viscous fluid that settled on anything within range of the beast. I would declare to anyone who could hear me over the racket of the exhaust that it gets 20 mpg, and maybe add some Greenpeace decals to the tank for effect and testimony of my status as a misunderstood eco-warrior.

theop February 19, 2010 6:16 PM

I would upgrade my weekend car from my 17mpg 1999 SL500 to a 8lt V10 Viper (the old one) that does around 9mpg.

For the wife, I d swap her 2lt A3 tdi with an old 5.2 V8 Grand Cherokee (we would make £7k on the trade which we would then spend in petrol for it).

And finally, for the special occassion, I would trade in the 1.6 Caterham and get myself a 1921 82/200 Benz. I think they were 21lt displacement (producing 200bhp which was epic at the time) and consuming something like 80lt/100km , something like 3mpg. On Sundays, I would use that to trailer my 28ft Cigarette powerboat with triple 8 litre Mercruiser Magnums burning about 45gallons per hour at cruising speed.... So Benz to the coast and back + 3 hr run on the boat = about 1200 litres of petrol... not bad for a Sunday...

My monthly petrol spend would equal 100 avergae British families, and my green neighbour would eat her hat.

Dan McNeil v2 February 19, 2010 6:20 PM

People will make up some entertaining inventions here, no doubt...

However there is one - and only one - car (and a real car at that) which would give a greenie complete apoplexy (except it wouldn't, because they'd die of 2-stroke inhalation long before that):

So (drum rrrrrolllll)...Step forward...

The Wartburg Knight.

There's even an owner's club.  And, to these that would nominate the Trabant instead, fuggedaboudit!    Although it also had a 2 stroke motor, the Trabbie was a vegan's delight, due to being made out of recycled toilet-roll holders.  The Trabbie has also been appropriated by the Notting Hill set, who seem to think it is trendy.

No, the Wartburg has it.

(google it, you youngsters)

theonlydt February 19, 2010 6:21 PM

Landrover 110 with the 2.25 NA diesel with worn injectors and the "fuel pump" trick to pump excess fuel in to the cylinders. The black and blue smoke coming out of those things on a cold winter's morning is hilarious and being so underpowered + inefficient you get 25mpg at best. More particulate emissions than a fleet of London Buses.

Someone I know owns a "Gaz 66" as his personal vehicle. It has a 4.3 carb V8 and weighs about 3.5 tonnes. He gets 14mpg when he's being really, really careful on road on a long run, about 10mpg when he's not so careful. Taking it off-road takes him to about 7mpg.

theop February 19, 2010 6:21 PM

Actually, the above (antique Benz excepted) is not even remotely implausible... I know plenty of people who spend say £40000 per year on fuel. The motoryachting crowd will understand what I am saying... I mean, we all lust over that lovely Princess V72 we saw on the boatshow the other day, but does anyone realise how much diesel these babies go through in an average day?

Phillip McCavitie February 19, 2010 6:38 PM

Al Gore's secretly stashed away 2008+ Dodge Viper, 8.4 litre (510 in3) with a V10 engine.

He uses it regularly but wears a wig, false beard and glasses when in it.

Andy_Cowe February 19, 2010 6:43 PM

A siege engine for firing the greenies at the nearest fortification.

I would however reserve it for greenies with more enthusiasm than knowledge. Their holier-than-thou, you-must-give-up-everything attitude discourages people from taking reasonable steps because of fear they will be siding with the extremists.

ThwartedEfforts February 19, 2010 6:51 PM

Independence Day mothership with a stuck-open thermostat on a cold morning (i.e. about 0.3 gallons of human blood per vertical mile)

Leslie Brook February 19, 2010 7:02 PM

I don't think you can beat the sound of a Diesel Locomotive cranking over and cylinder by cylinder coming to life accompanied by clouds of black smoke. I'd lay enough track to get to my garden gate so I could collect the post and newspaper of a morning.

Juleshuffers February 19, 2010 7:09 PM

It has to be the Jenson Interceptor a friend of my owned in the mid 80's when they could be picked up for a bit of a song. He was concerned that it was only doing 9mpg so he contacted a specialist to arrange for it to be tuned. When he told them what he wanted and why the response he got was............................ don't touch it, Jenson only quoted 6mpg for that model.

I forgotten how big the tank was but you could hear the fuel running out. Bliss.

theonlydt February 19, 2010 7:14 PM

Leslie - the Napier Deltic engines are/were something else. Two engines, 18 cylinders each, producing 3,300bhp combined. Incredibly high revving for a commercial diesel engine as well.

I always wondered if a smaller 6 cylinder version (much smaller) could have had automobile applications. The engines were very compact and very powerful, especially when supercharged/turbocharged. However they were two stroke engines and complicated to service which probably sealed their fate. Maybe an enthusiast somewhere could produce a 3 litre, 6 cylinder diesel based on the napier deltic engine design and test it - I'd love to see that.

Dan McNeil v2 February 19, 2010 7:34 PM

Look, if people are going to keep upping the game from my perfectly sensible Wartburg suggestion, I'm going to buy a 90,000 tonne supertanker, park it outside the house of my lentil-eating neighbour, and just leave it there idling.  I'll rev it up now and then, obviously...

sportwagon February 19, 2010 7:52 PM

I think that a 2-stroke Saab 96 may just have the edge on the Wartburg, but the only way to resolve it would be to rev up both from cold outside her house and see which one cause the most birds 9or better still greenies) to choke to death.

Nick Rutter February 19, 2010 8:28 PM

I would probably have a 1959 Bentley S2 Continental and delight in telling all the greenies I come across that its emissions are 99½ per cent greater than the 6.75-litre engine found in modern Bentleys.  Oh, and this for the weekends...

www.supercars.net/.../797869.jpg

NEIL Barrett February 19, 2010 8:37 PM

Take one 1975 MGB GT fitted with twin webber conversion.

Do not under any circumstances balance the carbs or change the perished valve seals. Overdrive has not worked for 3 decades. 12 mpg (fuel and oil) and 0-60 in just under 20 seconds. Stand behind it and get a mate to start it up and give it a rev. Result ruined jeans and the rapid onset of emphysema. Oh how I pine for tthose golden years.

NEIL Barrett February 19, 2010 8:39 PM

Take one 1975 MGB GT fitted with twin webber conversion.

Do not under any circumstances balance the carbs or change the perished valve seals. Overdrive has not worked for 3 decades. 12 mpg (fuel and oil) and 0-60 in just under 20 seconds. Stand behind it and get a mate to start it up and give it a rev. Result ruined jeans and the rapid onset of emphysema. Oh how I pine for those golden years.

artill February 19, 2010 9:51 PM

I think the series 1 XJ12 i owned for a while would give some of these a run for their money, especially when almost never were all 4 of the carbs working properly. The fumes were so toxic, it would have been the perfect car for a suicide attempt!

Dan McNeil v2 February 19, 2010 9:55 PM

When I ran a Triumph 2.5 PI (god, what a car), it ended up consuming one gallon of 4 star every 6 miles (courtesy of malfunctioning Lucas mechanical fuel injection).    Happily, its prodigious performance was not remotely impaired...

Will86 February 19, 2010 10:17 PM

A diesel tractor designed for tractor pulling.

Please can I have a copy of you book James?

Phillip McCavitie February 19, 2010 10:47 PM

The Mark 1 'Holder Hot Air' self combustable engine as seen in these very pages.......you can't switch it off, it spouts hot air and as much as you want to belch out filth, whatever you put in comes out cleaner than what was went in.

It must be purged.....

BriMarsh February 19, 2010 11:03 PM

HMS Ashanti as pictured here:

upload.wikimedia.org/.../HMS_Fury_and_HMS_Ashanti_make_smoke.jpg

Yes, I have a very big garage (and a time machine)...

SimonBenson February 20, 2010 7:52 AM

Surely the easiest way would be to by a Lamborghini LM002 (or an LM004 if you could find one).

The former is still one of the biggest 4x4's around... with a nice 5.2 litre V12 on carbs from memory - so good it'll do 125mph on sand and from memory pulled the rather softer Range Rover from a river in 2wd according to a drive story many years ago in Autocar (or was it Motor???)

LM004 had one of Lamborghini's power boat engines in it...

Thinking about it, maybe it should be used to tow a Scarab42 power boat - a couple of which had TWO Lamborghini V12 engines for racing!

Leslie Brook February 20, 2010 8:44 AM

How about a Graf Zeppelin tethered as a garden ornament complete with all 5 Maybach engines fully functional and starting on the hour every hour along the lines of a cuckoo clock?

disco.stu February 20, 2010 10:24 AM

1959 Cadillac Eldorado hearse, preferably painted white and belching smoke with a really annoying siren and flourescent stripes.

jonfortwo February 20, 2010 11:56 AM

i just got home from Cuba yesterday, almost anything on the road there is deeply ungreen from a never serviced 1958 Chevy impala permanently belching black smoke to a Moskvich 412 barely able to move forward. It really is the most fantastic non green car lovers paradise. A catalytic converter is worthless there.

On a sad note though those wretched little i10`s are starting to creep in like some hideous little parasite.

Lanciaman February 20, 2010 12:03 PM

theonlydt February 19, 2010 7:14 PM

Leslie - the Napier Deltic engines are/were something else. Two engines, 18 cylinders each, producing 3,300bhp combined. Incredibly high revving for a commercial diesel engine as well.

I always wondered if a smaller 6 cylinder version (much smaller) could have had automobile applications. The engines were very compact and very powerful, especially when supercharged/turbocharged. However they were two stroke engines and complicated to service which probably sealed their fate. Maybe an enthusiast somewhere could produce a 3 litre, 6 cylinder diesel based on the napier deltic engine design and test it - I'd love to see that.

Commer did exactly that in the 60`s. A 3.5 litre 3 cylinder 6 opposed piston supercharged 2 stroke diesel which sounded fantastic and produced 135 bhp, which was quite a lot then.

EcurieEcosse February 20, 2010 12:51 PM

I would reluctantly have to concur with Dan McNeil that some Trabants were surprisingly dolphin friendly....

In 1985 I was in communist Budapest visiting a friend who worked at the British Embassy. One day walking down the street I passed a Trabant parked up, the bonnet open, and the disconsolate owner gazing into the gloomy hole where wisps of smoke were emanating from the rusty lump of scrap iron which was the nearest the Trabbie had to an engine. No surprise so far.

However my attention was caught by the inside of the bonnet, which with hindsight pre-dated the invention of the internet - one could read news, views and sports results all in one place just by creaking open this flimsy panel. The factory had obviously been going through a phase where glass strand matting or indeed recycled toilet roll holders were hard to come by, so the bodyshell had been constructed out of torn-up newspapers with a lick of resin over the top (some corners were sticking out of the surface!). And of course painting the INSIDE of the bonnet was a bourgeois luxury unknown in the DDR. OK the news was a number of years out of date, but at least the driver had something to read while he waited for the tow-truck!

Straff February 20, 2010 2:06 PM

Lanciaman

Welcome to the wonderful world of Detroit Diesel 2 stroke diesels. "The world's best way of turning fuel into noise..." Single, twin, triple, six, 12, 16 and 20 cylinders, high revving, very noisy and often very smokey:

www.youtube.com/watch

I've got a Leyland like this one too...

www.youtube.com/watch

It's a Chieftain tank motor

theonlydt February 20, 2010 2:33 PM

Sound of a Chieftain tank motor is unmistakable - slight problem really as the Ruskies could hear them about 5 miles away... You also had the issue that you couldn't get to the Ruskies 5 miles away because your gearbox or engine would fail... "PACK CHANGE".

Now, if you've ever seen a chally 2 pounding cross country at 25mph pouring smoke from its exhaust system (it can deliberately spray diesel on to its hot exhaust to create smoke) you'll know you'll never need viagra.

Leslie Brook February 20, 2010 4:06 PM

you better choose a winner soon James, or we might start to get some ridiculous suggestions.

IainStirling February 20, 2010 7:43 PM

My Impreza WRX 2.5.  Very entertaining.

Uncle Mellow February 20, 2010 8:18 PM

I know this is on a very modest scale , but a friend in school used to dilute the petrol/petroil in his BSA Bantam with Esso-Blue (which was tax-free but less clean-burning than petrol) .This is what precipitated the hole in the ozone layer.

40summat February 20, 2010 8:33 PM

I'd swap my entire fleet of Knights for a Jeep Commander

John McToon February 20, 2010 8:37 PM

A brand new, white Range Rover Sport with a big sticker in the back window (or faces your neighbour's drive) that just says "Sod off!"

There is nothing more offensive. I might get one.

Leslie Brook February 20, 2010 10:07 PM

Top Fuel dragster...?

gregor60 February 20, 2010 11:58 PM

A Winnebago full of flatulent rednecks, towing a twin cab pickup with "Squeal like a pig, city boy" painted on the side in whale blood.

bangertastic February 21, 2010 7:47 AM

Helicopter.

James Ruppert February 21, 2010 10:58 AM

I think I'm going to have to giveaway more than one book...

Old Toad February 21, 2010 2:27 PM

A trabant or Citroen 2cv man did they burn oil.

Oh and I have never seen a Chieftan anywhere apart from in a workshop. Ferrets were bad too 6ltr RR petrol engine but always breaking down weird epicyclic gearbox as well .

Old Toad February 21, 2010 2:31 PM

Ok its not a car but the QE2 does 18" to the gallon.

James Ruppert February 21, 2010 2:46 PM

Monday Morning I will name the winners. Three books are up for grabs and maybe a Sunday night with nothing on the telly could lead to some even madder suggestions. I already have my favourites though...

Phillip McCavitie February 21, 2010 5:21 PM

The body of a Lancaster bomber with pontoons so it's floats, towed along by two almost extinct Blue Whales with rare white tigers at each corner of the pontoons - the Rolls Royce engines turning over at full chat to provide electricity for the kitchen down below which is producing illegal rhino steaks and Fois Gras for my guests onboard who include Alexander McQueen, Lady Di, Elvis and Michael Jackson.

Our ability to offend is how we roll.

Big Mac February 21, 2010 6:48 PM

This is easy. We can talk about ships and choppers if you like, but I want that book.

These are all available cars that are cheap to by.(most anyway)

6 cars 1970 or newer.

1986 Mercedes-Benz Unimog (for snow days)

1979 Full Size Ford F350 15 Passenger Van (for the school run)

1989 Jeep Grand Cherokee 5.9L (125 HP?!?)

1972 Lincoln Town Car

1979 Pontiac Grand Safari Station Wagon with 455ci V8

1976 Volvo 245 with a Mustang 5.0 V8 (tuned with side pipes)

I think that lot would give me the ammo to make the greenie freak.

Beat that list.

theonlydt February 21, 2010 7:47 PM

I think we have a winner ^^^^^

Eric van Spelde February 21, 2010 8:37 PM

Not going to win this one as I had to cut my personal car parc down from four to two, one of which is a company-provided 08 Mini Cooper with Efficient Dynamics and an eminently sensible 129 g/km CO2 rating.

However...

Back when I imported my 4.3 litre TVR Chimaera into The Netherlands, the nice folks at the Dutch department of transport were quite helpful. Under 'remarks' they put in an immatriculation code that MOT test engineers read as 'if the tester does not find a catalytic converter or lambda sensors, he may assume that they weren't there to begin with and test accordingly'.

You know where this one is going, don't you? <grin>

Lanciaman February 22, 2010 10:30 AM

Straff,

I hadn`t forgotten the Detroit diesel, or the Foden for that matter, but they aren`t opposed piston 2 strokes like the Deltic; the Commer is.

I do agree that they all sound amazing. I remember hearing a Detroit Diesel pulling away from the lights in America some years ago; with a multi-speed close ratio gearbox he was changing up every few seconds - brilliant. Actually 2-stroke diesels don`t rev any higher than 4-strokes, it`s just that with twice as many power strokes per revolution they sound as if they are.

Vimeous February 22, 2010 10:39 AM

A 23l V12 Tiger II for the green laning, Porsche 917/30 for motorway runs, Caspian Sea Monster for boating trips and Renault's F1 Espace for family outings.

Oh and a Plymouth Superbird for work as I can't abide spending anymore than the minimum time getting to and from.....

James Ruppert February 22, 2010 11:50 AM

And the winners are...well all of your really. As readers of Autocar both online and off you have pretty much won the lottery of life. If I could afford to obviously I'd send everyone a copy and spiritually I have. I did enjoy the two stroke diversion to a huge degree and perhaps because I once got a nasty letter from the Wartburg owners club in response to something silly I'd written about those DDireRs, so Dan McNeilv2 gets one. Big Mac's list was impressive, so Macca can have one and though I loved Leslie Brook's Zeppelin, Vimeous's little collection struck a chord. Email the office and they will ping on your address and details and I will stick them in the post this week... Well done everyone...

julianphillips February 22, 2010 12:21 PM

You can't beat a Terex Titan for confusing the greens - over 3,000 horse power and each wheel as big as a heavy goods vehicle, but sort of electric powered too and therefore green!  Or a Caterpillar 797!

drivedrivedrive February 22, 2010 12:40 PM

---------------------------------------

I know it's too late now,  but   you cannot

let a thread like this pass without mentioning the

Merlin engined car that MOTOR ran a competition to

design a body for ( in the 70's I think ).  

Starting that up 1st thing in the morning would have been

an event to behold.  

--------------------------------------------------------------

Pauldalg February 22, 2010 2:01 PM

I'm happy with my 2-stroke Trials bike. It has ridiculously low gearing so economy is terrible, being a two stroke it probably only burns a small portion of it properly anyway. It runs better on super-unleaded with all it's nice little additives. Before a long climb you need to clear out the engine by revving it's nuts off. It's utterly pointless apart from being great fun for the rider. And finally I get to chew up unused ground and destroy many endangered species of moss that get under the back wheel.

Let's face it the fossil fuel will run out sometime anyway. The faster we use it, the faster the really clever folk will come up with a clean alternative. We're doing a good thing.

Dan McNeil v2 February 22, 2010 5:51 PM

Thanks James, much appreciated.   And just at the right time, too - Mrs McNeil v2 needs a replacement for her lovely but leggy Xsara VTR, so I expect your Bible will come in very useful (as well as occupying a prominent place on our bookshelf).

fuzzybear February 23, 2010 1:59 AM

I know the competitions won and everything, but it would be worth seeing the look on a greenie to say you have this to go to Sainsburys..

www.griffin-american-motorhomes.co.uk/.../_local_Diplomat_Aug08.htm

MattDB February 23, 2010 9:08 AM

Take one old horse called Dobbin.  Feed it chicken vindaloo, and hey presto a mode of transport with the worlds worst emissions!

James Ruppert February 23, 2010 11:34 AM

Magnificent Fuzzy as they have reduced the price I might buy two, failing that the prancing dobbin is the only other option...

sportwagon February 23, 2010 1:23 PM

Yes that motorhome would certainly fit the bill, especially with the built in diesel-powered generator. You wouldn't even have to drive it to get a result!

JoeF February 23, 2010 3:36 PM

When the Volt comes out, im sure you could annoy people by charging it up off lamppotst and swapping the weedy 1.4 for some kind of GM LS series crate engine, after a bit of chopping to make it fit and ruin the aerodynamics :)

Adam the Great! February 23, 2010 9:37 PM

Early Boeing 747-Just circle it above the greenpeace headquarters and watch the eco-freaks weep!

As for cars a range rover that weighs 3 tonnes and has a 7.5 litre carbd V8 and a straight exhaust pipe(no cats!!) and the windscreen vertical to ruin the aerodynamics!

LairdDrambeg February 23, 2010 9:51 PM

I was thinking a Hummer with the gun turret accessory but on second thought, maybe a Kenworth truck tractor with a Jake brake.  Either way, any catalytic converter would have to be replaced with a straight pipe... available at most respectable umm, tuning shops here in the US.

What is the world coming to when people are judging neighbors' "morals" based on the cars they own?  Mind you, I've been told that if you swing by the local school on the evening the Sierra Club is having its meeting, the parking lot is full of SUVs.

Big Mac February 23, 2010 11:16 PM

Woo Hoo! I'm really looking forward to reading your book.

Can you sign it?

I've been enjoying the Used Car market all my life. Never had a new one. Usually the leggy or banged up. Sometimes almost new. But when I find another jewel, I always at least break even on the sale of the current. Fuel and insurance included. Virtually free cars are good.

Oh, and there is NOTHING that gets more looks in Toronto than a UNIMOG. So funny!

Rover P6 3500S February 24, 2010 12:10 AM

If I had a greenie neighbour, THIS is how I'd like to go out:

www.youtube.com/watch

Phinehas February 24, 2010 2:41 PM

A 2CV. With a sticker on it that showed its CO2 output.

duffy1207 February 24, 2010 10:11 PM

Hmm, best I can do is the Caddialc Eldorado I went to school leavers thing is, * litre carb fed V8 with not much power, belched smoke out, think it was a little unhealthy. FWD too =s

Only other thing I've seen pour smoke out like that was an old bristol double decker bus at a classic car show, shocking amumonts of blue smoke coming out of that, big gardner diesel engine I think.

duffy1207 February 24, 2010 10:12 PM

*8 litre even

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