If the Audi RS4 is my magazine long termer, then it lives with a motley collection of other rubbish. Here is a brief resume of the Harris tat as of 4 Oct 2007.

1987 BMW M5: 132k miles. New clutch, radiator and brakes this year. Daily runner, utterly wonderful.

2007 Defender TD4 1.2k miles. Currently enduring a pasting during the logging season. I use it whenever I’m at home. New four-cylinder Transit motor has bags of torque and the new interior is a huge improvement. Can’t see us living without it in the near future.

1990 Peugeot 205 XS. 93k miles. Been on SORN for 2 months because I’m too busy (lazy) to get it MOT’d and taxed. Along with the M5, a car I would only allow to leave my care well after the house had been repossessed. Will be back in action by November.

1997 Mercedes E320 Sportline Cab. 90k miles. Oh dear. Currently missing most of its interior as I replace the various ECUs hidden throughout the cabin. Cost to date: £2.5k in black boxes. I could cry. Shouldn’t love this car, but I do. Proper build quality in a full four-seater convertible. Makes modern cabs look vulgar.

1988 Porsche 911 3.2 Carrera. 77k miles. Factory LSD, sports seats and the later car with 8in rear rims, fog lights, plip locking and the slinky G50 gearbox. Must be sold to keep A. Darling from door come Jan 31 2008. All enquiries to the editor.

1973 Porsche 911 project. 3k miles. Viper green. 3.4 litres, now 330bhp, 980kg, trick everything. Love it.

Oh, and...

1997 Volvo 850 TDi. 110k miles. SORN. Metallic brown, cloth, no air con. Worst spec imaginable then. Should have sold it, but Sebastien Loeb signed the bonnet, so I’ve hidden it in a shed to keep. Don’t tell the missus.

If your rubbish is more varied and silly than this, please list it so I can feel less guilty about the state of mine. Ta.